i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize