I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
