My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
