Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize