I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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