That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
