I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
