Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
