too bad you live with your parents still
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
