why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Randomize
