You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
