drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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