dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
