I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
