Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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