Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
