So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
