all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
