Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
