dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
