The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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