2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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