'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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