Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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