mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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