I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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