And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
