A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
