I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
