i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
