last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
