Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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