ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
