wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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