I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
