Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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