6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
