She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
