had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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