You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
