apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
