hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
