I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize