Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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