he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
