apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
