his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
