Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize