i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
