Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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