Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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