We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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