I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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