It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
