I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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