I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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