i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
