Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
