I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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